Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Religious Humor and Wit

Researched by Dr Abe V Rotor
Living with Nature - School on Blog
Paaralang Bayan sa Himpapawid with Ms Melly C Tenorio

738 DZRB AM, 8 to 9 evening class Mon to Fri

1. Rewrite the Ten Commandments 
     The editor of the local paper queried the new applicant for the job of rewrite man."Well," said the editor,"are you good?"
    "Sure was the reply.
    "All right, then fix this,and cut it short," instructed the editor, handing him a list of the Ten Commandment.
    The applicant gave a glance and seemed a little nonplussed.  But then he stepped over to the desk, quickly marked the copy, and handed it to the surprised editor, who studied the paper for only a moment before saying. "You are hired!"
     The rewrite on the paper was,"Don't."

2. Greeting the day with Good Morning
Somebody has said there are two kinds of people in the world.  There are those who wake up in the morning and say,"Good morning,Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,"Good Lord,it's morning."

3. Breakable mail
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family friend Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
     "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
     "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

4. Snake Salvation didn't work
A snake-handling preacher featured on Snake Salvation  died soon after being bitten by a rattlesnake during the service. 

5.Depressed priest 
A priest went to a doctor for checkup. He looked very sad.
     "Are you depressed?"asked the doctor.
     "No,I am the priest." replied the absent-minded patient. 

6. Good news, bad news
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.

7. Seemed Appropriate
     The new chaplain wanted very much to entertain as well as instruct his men, and so, on one occasion, he arranged for an illustrated lecture on Bible scenes and incidents.
     One seaman was detailed to play appropriate music between pictures.  The first of these represented Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.  The sailor cudgeled his brain and ran through his lists, but could not think of no music exactly appropriate to the picture.
     "Please play up." whispered the chaplain.
     Then an inspiration came to the seaman, and to the consternation of the chaplain and to the delight of the audience, he played, There's Only One Girl in This World for Me.  

8. Dad first
Young Johnny was late for Sunday school, and the minister asked the cause.
     "I was going fishing, but Dad wouldn't let me."announced the lad.
     "That's the right kind of father to have," replied the reverend. "Did he explain the reason he would not let you go?"
     "Yes,sir.  He said there wasn't bait enough for two."

9. Identify Yourself
The young army recruit was a victim of so many practical jokes that he doubted all men and their motives.  One night while he was on guard duty, the figure of one of the officers loomed up in the darkness.
     "Who goes there?" the recruit challenged.
     :"Major Moses," was the reply
     The young recruit scented the joke.  "Glad to meet you, Moses," he said cheerfully,  "Advance and give me the Ten Commandments."

10. Statement of Costs
The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on various pictures in the church.  The statement was as follows:

  • Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments                               $50 
  • Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon on his bonnet              60
  • Put a new tail on the rooster of St.Peter and mended his bill                 45
  • Put a new nose on St John the Baptist and straightened his eyes          25
  • Replumed and gilded thee left wing of the Guardian Angel                    65
  • Washed the servant of the High Priest & put carmine on his cheeks25
  • Renewed heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded the sun, cleaned the moon 85
  • Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored some souls              45
  • Revived the flames of Hell, put a new tail on the Devil and mended 
  •       his left hoof,and did several odd jobs for the damned                     65
  • Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and dressing on his sack 30
  • Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his wig                          45
  • Cleaned the ears of Balaam's ass, and shod him                                 35
  • Put earrings in the ears of Sarah                                                        70
  • Put a new stone in David's sling, enlarged Goliath's hand 
  •      and extended his legs                                                                   30
  • Decorated Noah's Ark                                                                       20
  • Mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned his pigs                  15
  •                                                                                        Total     $710

Acknowledgement: Jokes, Quotes and One-liners for Public Speakers bu HV Prochnow and HV Prochnow Jr

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