1. A judge in sentencing a criminal recently said, "I am giving you the maximum punishment - I am letting you go free to worry about taxes, inflation, and everything else, just like the rest of us."
2. In prehistoric times, cavemen had a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. When modern men go through the same ritual, they call it golf.
3. Not so long three lunatics escaped from a large asylum. Search officers combed the surrounding countryside for twenty-four hours, and they finally brought in five.
4. When the Creator gave out brains, I thought he said trains - and I missed mine! When He gave out good looks, I thought he said books - and I didn't want any! And when He said noses, I thought he said roses - and I ordered a big red one.
5. A young woman boarded a crowded bus. A tired little man got up and gave her his seat. There was a moment of silence. "I beg your pardon?" said the tired man. "I didn't say anything," replied the young woman. "I'm sorry," said the man. "I thought you said 'Thank you.'"
6. A grade-school student was having trouble with punctuation. "Never mind, sonny," said the visiting school board president, consolingly. "It's foolish to bother about commas; they don't amount too much, anyway." "Elizabeth Ann," said the teacher, "please write this sentence on the board: "The president of the board says the teacher is misinformed." "Now," she continued, "put a comma after the board and another after teacher."
7. An American engineer returned recently from a mission to the Soviet Union. The Russians, he reported, were fascinated by the Americans' use of the expression OK. " But what is this Okie-Dokie? one Russian asked him. Before he could answer, another Russian interrupted with, "Don't be a dope. It's the feminine of OK.
8. It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope. (Pope John Paul XXIII)
9. Here's a story about smart kids. "I wonder why people say Amen and not Awomen?" Bobby questioned. His little friend replied, "Because they sing hymns and not hers, silly."
10. Here's a story for the political candidate for the coming election. Voter: "Why, I wouldn't vote for you if you were Saint Peter himself." Candidate: 'if I were Saint Peter, you couldn't vote for me - you wouldn't be in my district."
11. Motorist: "Your honor, I was not drunk. I was only drinking."
Judge: "Well, in that case I an not going to send you to jail for one month - only for 30 days."
12. A fellow in a lunatic asylum sat fishing over a flower bed. A visiting doctor, wishing to be friendly asked.
"How many have you caught?"
Answered the not-so-dumb fisherman, "You are the ninth."
Acknowledgment: Jokes, Quotes and One-Liners for Public Speakers by Prochnow H V and HV Prochnow Jr; Speaker's Encyclopedia of Humor by Jacob Braude, Prentice-Hall