Laughter stops distressing emotions. You can’t feel anxious, angry, or sad when you are laughing. Laughter draws you closer to others, which can have a profound effect on all aspects of your mental and emotional health.
Ms Melly C Tenorio, host, and Dr Abe V Rotor, guest
Part 2 - Take a break with humor
"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." - Bill Cosby
Dr Abe V Rotor
Light moments, Amadeo, Cavite, author with his students at the UST graduate school.
1. A judge in sentencing a criminal recently said, "I am giving you the maximum punishment - I am letting you go free to worry about taxes, inflation, and everything else, just like the rest of us."
2. In prehistoric times, cavemen had a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. When modern men go through the same ritual, they call it golf.
3. Not so long three lunatics escaped from a large asylum. Search officers combed the surrounding countryside for twenty-four hours, and they finally brought in five.
4. When the Creator gave out brains, I thought he said trains - and I missed mine! When He gave out good looks, I thought he said books - and I didn't want any! And when He said noses, I thought he said roses - and I ordered a big red one.
5. A young woman boarded a crowded bus. A tired little man got up and gave her his seat. There was a moment of silence. "I beg your pardon?" said the tired man. "I didn't say anything," replied the young woman. "I'm sorry," said the man. "I thought you said 'Thank you.'"
6. A grade-school student was having trouble with punctuation. "Never mind, sonny," said the visiting school board president, consolingly. "It's foolish to bother about commas; they don't amount too much, anyway." "Elizabeth Ann," said the teacher, "please write this sentence on the board: "The president of the board says the teacher is misinformed." "Now," she continued, "put a comma after the board and another after teacher."
7. An American engineer returned recently from a mission to the Soviet Union. The Russians, he reported, were fascinated by the Americans' use of the expression OK. " But what is this Okie-Dokie? one Russian asked him. Before he could answer, another Russian interrupted with, "Don't be a dope. It's the feminine of OK.
8. It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope. (Pope John Paul XXIII)
9. Here's a story about smart kids. "I wonder why people say Amen and not Awomen?" Bobby questioned. His little friend replied, "Because they sing hymns and not hers, silly."
10. Here's a story for the political candidate for the coming election. Voter: "Why, I wouldn't vote for you if you were Saint Peter himself." Candidate: 'if I were Saint Peter, you couldn't vote for me - you wouldn't be in my district."
11. Motorist: "Your honor, I was not drunk. I was only drinking."
Judge: "Well, in that case I an not going to send you to jail for one month - only for 30 days."
12. A fellow in a lunatic asylum sat fishing over a flower bed. A visiting doctor, wishing to be friendly asked.
"How many have you caught?"
Answered the not-so-dumb fisherman, "You are the ninth."
13. The many faces of Peace
Peace is often mispronounced and a butt of jokes: fish, feast, piss, fish be with you, phase 1- phase 2, piece of paper, may you rest in peace (good sleep). – (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
14. Count
What comes after five? Six, po. 7? Eight, po. Who taught you how to count? My father, po. What comes next after ten? Jack, po. (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
15. Neighbors
"Good morning, madam. I'm the piano-tuner."
"But I didn't send for a piano-tuner."
"I know, It was a committee of your neighbors that called up."
16. Man - Men
Men can be divided into three classes:
- The handsome
- The intellectual
- The great majority
17. Three things to give to marriage:
18. Kiss
"Best way to quiet a hysterical girl ," said the psychologist, "is to give her a kiss."
"But how do you get them hysterical?"
19. Language
"So you have just returned from Paris. Did you have any trouble with your French?"
"No, but the French did."
20. Just to show you
A wife was frying eggs for her husband’s breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen, “Careful…
CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful… CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUK! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Don’t forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you how it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I’m driving.
Acknowledgment: Jokes, Quotes and One-Liners for Public Speakers by Prochnow H V and HV Prochnow Jr; Speaker's Encyclopedia of Humor by Jacob Braude, Prentice-Hall
Part 3 - Learn and practice the art of telling jokes
Author make a tree laugh
The art of telling stories that are humorous and witty, jolting people from their seats, or simply breaking the ice, so to speak, is an art. It disarms people from bad mood, lightens the load of daily grind, and makes them share it.. their own jokes and wits as well.
On waking up and find yourself a millionaire
Five Filipinos were discussing what they would do if they awoke one morning to discover that they were millionaires. The Cebuano said he would build a big cockpit arena.
The Manileño said he would go to Las Vegas and have a good time.
The Palaweño said he would build an island resort.
The Ilocano said he would deposit the money in the bank and live on its interest.
The Boholano said he would go to sleep again to see if he could make another million.
Why does a captain go down with his ship?
A soldier who lost his rifle was lectured by his captain and told he would have to pay for it.
"Sir," gulped the soldier, "Suppose I lose a tank, will I have to pay it, too."
" Yes, you will, even if it takes your whole life in the army."
"Now I know why a captain goes down with his ship."
Honesty really pays
Two friends were riding a bus and had just reached their destination. At the station one of them realized she hadn't paid her fare. Confessing to her friend she asked, "Did you pay for me?" To which her friend wryly answered, "No."
"Well, I'll go right up and pay."
"Why bother? That's just a small matter, and you were able to get away with it."
"I believe that honesty always pays." And virtuously she went to see and pay the conductor.
She returned holding a fifty-peso bill. "See, I told you honesty always pays!" "I handed a twenty-peso bill and he gave me this change." ~
Time and space
"The distance between Manila and New York is the same as from New York to Manila." Explained one of three friends.
"Well, not when you come back on the other side of the globe."
"What do you think, Jon-Jon?"
"I dunno; its just a week from Christmas to New Year, but is it a week from New Year to Christmas?"
Just the same
"If you have your life to live over," the prominent octogenarian was asked, "do you think you'd make the same mistakes again?"
"Certainly," said the old man, "But I'd start sooner."
Memory lapse
"Have you forgotten that 500 pesos I lent you a month ago?"
"Not yet, give me time." ~
Disparity
In his Sunday mass homily, the priest told the faithful, "As I look around, I ask myself, 'Where are the poor?' "
"But when I look at the collection, I say to myself, 'Where are the rich?' "
A five-letter word is the real problem
A five-letter word,
not enemy, not study,
not bored, not birth,
neither dying nor death;
wanting around the world
in springtime or autumn,
in dark days or sunny -
this five-letter word;
craved by everybody
none other but money.~
Author with his students at UST; children in frolic.
Activity: Write down jokes you can recall. They should be witty, clean and meaningful. Avoid vulgar jokes. Compile them into a collection or book.
Part 4 - Use Wit and Humor to be an Effective Speaker
Start and intersperse your speech with appropriate wit and humor. First, break the ice, keep the attention of your audience to the end, motivate them and impart a lasting lesson.
Break the ice. Examples ”It’s a good thing love is blind; otherwise it would see too much.” Advice to doctors: “When treating cases of amnesia, collect the fee in advance.”
Types of Humor
Anecdote (funny short story you have personal knowledge of.) Lincoln is a master anecdote teller.
Antonymism (contrasting words or phrases) “The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.” “A woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.” – Oscar Wilde
Banter (among close friends) “Here he comes, hide his shorts you stole from him.” Of course this is not true. "Here comes the biggest carabao in the Philippines." the late Senator Aquino to then Senator Erap Estrada the sponsor of the Carabao Bill
Biogram (witticism about a famous person)
“Adam was the happiest man in the world because he had no mother-in-law.”
”Venus is a woman whose statue shows us the danger of biting our finger nails.”
Blendword (coinage of new words): “smog for smoke and fog.” “scurry for scatter and hurry.” “eat and run.”
Blunder (wit, a person who makes mistakes, makes look foolish)
“Dr Cruz returned from the US yesterday and will take up his cuties (duties) at the hospital.”
“Is it kistomary to cus the bride?” over eager newly wed to the officiating minister.
Bonehead (headline boner) “Population of RP broken down by sex and age.” “Girl disappears in bathing suit.” “Three men held in cigarette case.”
Boner (slip, short and pointed mistakes with amusing effect.) “The future of to give is to take.” The king wore a robe trimmed with vermin.”
Bull (absurd contradiction) “May you live all the days of your life.” – Jonathan Swift. “The happiest man on earth is one who has never been born.” “Miriam Santiago was the best Philippine president we never had.” Eulogy for (of) the late senator.
Burlesque (satire) Story of the Frog and a Princess. The princess related the story to her mother. … the next morning when the princess awoke, she noticed alongside her a handsome Prince. And would you believe it? To this day her mother doesn’t believe a word of this story.
Abe Lincoln, the Storyteller
Caricature (exaggeration in ludicrous distortion) “He is so tall he has to stand on a chair to brush his teeth.”
Catch Tale (funny story, with a catch at the end. “She laid still white form beside those that had gone before. No groan, no sob forced its way from her heart. Then suddenly she let forth a cry that pierced the stillness of the place, making the air vibrate with a thousand echoes. It seemed to come from her very soul. Twice the cry repeated, then all was quiet again. She would lay another egg tomorrow.”
Confucian Sayings (Ironic, yet with aphorisms; witticism ) Confucius says “Ostrich that keep head in sand too long during hot part of day burned in the end.” “Easy for girl to live on love if he rich.” “Man who make love to girl on hillside, not on level.”
Conundrum (riddle, word puzzle quite impossible to solve) “Why does a cow wear a bell? Its horns don’t work.” “What is worse than seeing a worm in an apple? Seeing only half of the worm.”
Cumulative humor (chain-story pattern) From an old English classic: “For want of a nail, the shoe was lost. For want of a shoe, the horse was lost. For want of a horse, the rider was lost. For want of a rider the battle was lost. For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.”
Double Blunder (mistake and another in an attempt to correct the first) A man in a party turns to another and asks, “Who is that awful-looking lady in the corner?’ “Why she is my wife.” Says the second man. “Oh, I don’t mean her,” the quick evasion. “I mean the lady next to her.” “That,” cries the man indignantly, “is my daughter.”
Epigram (prose witticism, satire, evils and follies of mankind)”The world should make peace first and then make it last.” “Always do your best, but not your best friend.” “We don’t get ulcers from what we eat, but what is eating us.” “When you are right, no one remembers, when you are wrong no one forgets.”
Exagerism (overstatement, features, focuses on defects, peculiarities) “She is so industrious, when she has nothing to do she sits and knits her brows.” Story of a very strong typhoon by three humbugs: First, “.. so strong the wind blows you down the street.” Second: “In our place it’s so strong, when a carabao smiles it surely loses its hide.” Third: “Both your typhoons are nothing; in my place the flashlight can keep its light straight through the wind.” “A tree once grew rapidly that it actually pulled itself up by its roots. (early 1800 jokes called Yankeeism, Jonathonism)
Extended proverb (twisted proverb) “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Becomes "an onion a day keeps everyone away.” “There’s no fool like an old fool – because he had more experience." “He who hesitates is probably torn between vice and versa.”
Fool’s Query (foolish question) Guide explaining to tourists: “And these rock formations were piled up by the glaciers,” he said. “but where are glaciers?” asked an elderly woman. “They’ve gone back Madam, to get some more rocks.” Was the reply.
Freudian slip (humorous accidental statement) After a party a couple attended, the wife said warmly with a handshake, “It was so nice for us to come.” (Freud discovered accidental slips are subsurface thought processes that remove neurotic symptom.
Gag (clever remark funny trick) “Did you get up with a grouch today?” “No, she got up before me.”
Mixed words (after Goldwynism, moviemaker) “Answer me a question.” (from Lost Horizon). Hampasible (hampass is to blow) “Shinong lashing?” Drunk
Hecklerism (heckling, noisy drunk interrupting emcee) “Hey, you are a day late!” “Why don’t you tell that to the marines!”
Irony (expressing opposite of what is really meant) When Lincoln was once told that a northerner politician had expressed a strong dislike for him, he stroked his chin in perplexity. “That’s odd,” he said. “I cant understand why he dislikes me. I never did.”
Response of a lottery winner to a friend who asked, “Are you excited?” “Me excited? I’m as calm as a man with his pants on fire.”
There was a young man who left town, went to a big city and made quite a name for himself. After five years absence he arrived at a train station in his old home town. Despite his expectations there was no one at the platform he knew. Discouraged he sought out the station master, his friend since childhood. To him at least he would be welcome, and he was about to extend a hearty greeting, when the other spoke first. “Hello George,” he said. “Going away?”
Malapropism (French mal-a-propos, inappropriate, out of place) “Please, ladies, feel in the family way.” (feel at home) “I approve the permanent appointment of all prostitute teachers.” (substitute teachers)
Marshallism (satiric, twist-witticism, attributed to US V Thomas Marshall) What this country needs is a man who can be right and President at the same time.” “What our country needs is more of good citizens and less of law.”
Mistaken Identity (comic confusion of one person or thing with another) portrays ignorant person or simpleton. “Hi, George, Happy birthday.” “ I’m Johnny, he is George,” pointing at the celebrant.
Nonsensism ((mock logic, fallacies without reason, epigram, wisecrack) “She has money more than she can afford.” “My father and mother are cousins – that’s why I look so much alike.”
Parody (satire, wordplay) “Don’t worry if your job is small. And your rewards are few, Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you.”
Personifier (celebrity’s most typical trait, related to caricaturism and biogram) , “Samson was so strong, he could lift himself by his hair three feet off the ground.”
Practical Joke (joke put to action). Gadget prank, rough. Discomforting. “Here’s your fruit juice. Toast.” It turn out to be liquor, and the poor fellow coughs. Laughter.
Recovery (blunder and wit combined)An employee was found asleep by his foreman. “Good heavens!” he cried upon being awakened. “Can a man close his eyes for a few minutes of prayer?”
The Relapse (opposite of Recovery) A man bought a railroad ticket, picked up the change, and walked off. After a few minutes he returned and said to the agent. “You gave me the wrong change” “Sorry, sir” replied the man behind the window. “You should have called my attention to it at the time.” “Okay.” Acquiesced the passenger, “You gave me fiver dollars too much.”
To Dr Kinsey, the sexiologist, a lady asked at the end of his lecture in the Q & A; A period, “Tell me Dr Kinsey, what is really the vital difference between a man and a woman?” “Madam, I can not conceive.”
Reference: All about Humor
The art of Using Humor in Public Speaking
By Anthony L Audrieth ~
