International Joke Day July 1, 2025
"Laughter Unites Us."
Researched and compiled by Dr Abe V Rotor
"Life is worth living as long as there's a laugh in it."
Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables
Part 1 - The Lighter Side of Human NaturePart 2 - Use Wit and Humor to be an Effective SpeakerPart 3 - Laughter is a Lifetime. Soften the worst blows of life with humor.Part 4 - Laughter helps you live longerPart 5 - Take a break with humorPart 6 - Let the sun shine in with wit and humor.Part 7 - "Get out of your box!" through Wit and HumorPart 8 - Put Some Wit in HumorPart 9 - Learn and practice the art of telling jokesPart10 - Cheer Up, It's Christmas!
Part 1 - The Lighter Side of Human Nature
on Marriage and Married Life
according to some great men
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." —Benjamin Franklin
Researched and Complied by Dr Abe V Rotor
2. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw3. "A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."- Barack Obama
4. "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Rudy Giuliani
5. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes” - Jim Carrey
6. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
7. "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates
8. "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - George W. Bush
9. "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - Michael Jordan
10. "I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!" - Donald Trump
7. "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates
8. "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - George W. Bush
9. "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - Michael Jordan
10. "I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!" - Donald Trump
11. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
12. "After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together." - Al Gore
13. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
14. "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Alec Baldwin15. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
16. "I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me." - Bill Clinton
17. “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous ~
18. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
19. "My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me." —Winston Churchill
20. “Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown. Marriage humor of great men and women. ~
Acknowledgement with gratitude and apologies to all concerned, and sources. - avr
Part 2 - Use Wit and Humor to be an Effective Speaker
Start and intersperse your speech with appropriate wit and humor. First, break the ice, keep the attention of your audience to the end, motivate them and impart a lasting lesson.
Researched and Organized by Dr Abe V Rotor
Living with Nature - School on Blog
Living with Nature - School on Blog
Break the ice. Examples ”It’s a good thing love is blind; otherwise it would see too much.” Advice to doctors: “When treating cases of amnesia, collect the fee in advance.”Types of Humor
Anecdote (funny short story you have personal knowledge of.) Lincoln is a master anecdote teller.
Antonymism (contrasting words or phrases) “The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.”
“A woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.” – Oscar Wilde
Banter (among close friends) “Here he comes, hide his shorts you stole from him.” Of course this is not true. "Here comes the biggest carabao in the Philippines." the late Senator Aquino to then Senator Erap Estrada the sponsor of the Carabao Bill
Biogram (witticism about a famous person)
“Adam was the happiest man in the world because he had no mother-in-law.”
”Venus is a woman whose statue shows us the danger of biting our finger nails.”
Blendword (coinage of new words): “smog for smoke and fog.” “scurry for scatter and hurry.” “eat and run.”
The happy genius, Albert Einsten
Blunder (wit, a person who makes mistakes, makes look foolish)
“Dr Cruz returned from the US yesterday and will take up his cuties (duties) at the hospital.”
“Is it kistomary to cus the bride?” over eager newly wed to the officiating minister.
Bonehead (headline boner) “Population of RP broken down by sex and age.” “Girl disappears in bathing suit.” “Three men held in cigarette case.”
Boner (slip, short and pointed mistakes with amusing effect.) “The future of to give is to take.” The king wore a robe trimmed with vermin.”
Bull (absurd contradiction) “May you live all the days of your life.” – Jonathan Swift. “The happiest man on earth is one who has never been born.” “Miriam Santiago was the best Philippine president we never had.” Eulogy for (of) the late senator.
Burlesque (satire) Story of the Frog and a Princess. The princess related the story to her mother. … the next morning when the princess awoke, she noticed alongside her a handsome Prince. And would you believe it? To this day her mother doesn’t believe a word of this story.
Caricature (exaggeration in ludicrous distortion) “He is so tall he has to stand on a chair to brush his teeth.”
Catch Tale (funny story, with a catch at the end. “She laid still white form beside those that had gone before. No groan, no sob forced its way from her heart. Then suddenly she let forth a cry that pierced the stillness of the place, making the air vibrate with a thousand echoes. It seemed to come from her very soul. Twice the cry repeated, then all was quiet again. She would lay another egg tomorrow.”
Confucian Sayings (Ironic, yet with aphorisms; witticism ) Confucius says “Ostrich that keep head in sand too long during hot part of day burned in the end.” “Easy for girl to live on love if he rich.” “Man who make love to girl on hillside, not on level.”
Conundrum (riddle, word puzzle quite impossible to solve) “Why does a cow wear a bell? Its horns don’t work.” “What is worse than seeing a worm in an apple? Seeing only half of the worm.”
Cumulative humor (chain-story pattern) From an old English classic: “For want of a nail, the shoe was lost. For want of a shoe, the horse was lost. For want of a horse, the rider was lost. For want of a rider the battle was lost. For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.”
Double Blunder (mistake and another in an attempt to correct the first) A man in a party turns to another and asks, “Who is that awful-looking lady in the corner?’ “Why she is my wife.” Says the second man. “Oh, I don’t mean her,” the quick evasion. “I mean the lady next to her.” “That,” cries the man indignantly, “is my daughter.”
Epigram (prose witticism, satire, evils and follies of mankind)”The world should make peace first and then make it last.” “Always do your best, but not your best friend.” “We don’t get ulcers from what we eat, but what is eating us.” “When you are right, no one remembers, when you are wrong no one forgets.”
Exagerism (overstatement, features, focuses on defects, peculiarities) “She is so industrious, when she has nothing to do she sits and knits her brows.” Story of a very strong typhoon by three humbugs: First, “.. so strong the wind blows you down the street.” Second: “In our place it’s so strong, when a carabao smiles it surely loses its hide.” Third: “Both your typhoons are nothing; in my place the flashlight can keep its light straight through the wind.” “A tree once grew rapidly that it actually pulled itself up by its roots. (early 1800 jokes called Yankeeism, Jonathonism)
Extended proverb (twisted proverb) “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Becomes an onion s day keeps everyone away.” “There’s no fool like an old fool – because he had more experience. “He who hesitates is probably torn between vice and versa.”
Fool’s Query (foolish question) Guide explaining to tourists: “And these rock formations were piled up by the glaciers,” he said. “but where are glaciers?” asked an elderly woman. “They’ve gone back Madam, to get some more rocks.” Was the reply.
Freudian slip (humorous accidental statement) After a party a couple attended, the wife said warmly with a handshake, “It was so nice for us to come.” (Freud discovered accidental slips are subsurface thought processes that remove neurotic symptom.
Gag (clever remark funny trick) “Did you get up with a grouch today?” “No, she got up before me.”
Mixed words (after Goldwynism, moviemaker) “Answer me a question.” (from Lost Horizon). Hapasible (hampass is to blow) “Shinong lashing?” Drunk
Hecklerism (heckling, noisy drunk interrupting emcee) “Hey, you are a day late!” “Why don’t you tell that to the marines!”
Irony (expressing opposite of what is really meant) When Lincoln was once told that a northerner politician had expressed a strong dislike for him, he stroked his chin in perplexity. “That’s odd,” he said. “I cant understand why he dislikes me. I never did.”
Response of a lottery winner to a friend who asked, “Are you excited?” “Me excited? I’m as calm as a man with his pants on fire.”
There was a young man who left town, went to a big city and made quite a name for himself. After five years absence he arrived at a train station in his old home town. Despite his expectations there was no one at the platform he knew. Discouraged he sought out the station master, his friend since childhood. To him at least he would be welcome, and he was about to extend a hearty greeting, when the other spoke first. “Hello George,” he said. “Going away?”
Malapropism (French mal-a-propos, inappropriate, out of place) “Please, ladies, feel in the family way.” (feel at home) “I approve the permanent appointment of all prostitute teachers.” (substitute teachers)
Marshallism (satiric, twist-witticism, attributed to US V Thomas Marshall) What is country needs a man who can be right and President at the same time.” “What our country needs is more of good citizens and less of law.”
Mistaken Identity (comic confusion of one person or thing with another) portrays ignorant person or simpleton. “Hi, George, Happy birthday.” “ I’m Johnny, he is George,” pointing at the celebrant.
Nonsensism ((mock logic, fallacies without reason, epigram, wisecrack) “She has money more than she can afford.” “My father and mother are cousins – that’s why I look so much alike.”
Parody (satire, wordplay) “Don’t worry if your job is small. And your rewards are few, Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you.”
Personifier (celebrity’s most typical trait, related to caricaturism and biogram) , “Samson was so strong, he could lift himself by his hair three feet off the ground.”
Practical Joke (joke put to action). Gadget prank, rough. Discomforting. “Here’s your fruit juice. Toast.” It turn out to be liquor, and the poor fellow coughs. Laughter.
Recovery (blunder and wit combined)An employee was found asleep by his foreman. “Good heavens!” he cried upon being awakened. “Can a man close his eyes for a few minutes of prayer?”
--------------------------
Reference: All about Humor
The art of Using Humor in Public Speaking
By Anthony L Audrieth
Soften the worst blows of life with humor.
"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." - Bill Cosby
Dr Abe V Rotor
Light moments, Amadeo, Cavite, author with his students at the University of Santo Tomas Graduate School.
1. A judge in sentencing a criminal recently said, "I am giving you the maximum punishment - I am letting you go free to worry about taxes, inflation, and everything else, just like the rest of us."
2. In prehistoric times, cavemen had a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. When modern men go through the same ritual, they call it golf.
3. Not so long three lunatics escaped from a large asylum. Search officers combed the surrounding countryside for twenty-four hours, and they finally brought in five.
4. When the Creator gave out brains, I thought he said trains - and I missed mine! When He gave out good looks, I thought he said books - and I didn't want any! And when He said noses, I thought he said roses - and I ordered a big red one.
5. A young woman boarded a crowded bus. A tired little man got up and gave her his seat. There was a moment of silence. "I beg your pardon?" said the tired man. "I didn't say anything," replied the young woman. "I'm sorry," said the man. "I thought you said 'Thank you.'"
6. A grade-school student was having trouble with punctuation. "Never mind, sonny," said the visiting school board president, consolingly. "It's foolish to bother about commas; they don't amount too much, anyway." "Elizabeth Ann," said the teacher, "please write this sentence on the board: "The president of the board says the teacher is misinformed." "Now," she continued, "put a comma after the board and another after teacher."
7. An American engineer returned recently from a mission to the Soviet Union. The Russians, he reported, were fascinated by the Americans' use of the expression OK. " But what is this Okie-Dokie? one Russian asked him. Before he could answer, another Russian interrupted with, "Don't be a dope. It's the feminine of OK.
8. It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope. (Pope John Paul XXIII)
9. Here's a story about smart kids. "I wonder why people say Amen and not Awomen?" Bobby questioned. His little friend replied, "Because they sing hymns and not hers, silly."
10. Here's a story for the political candidate for the coming election. Voter: "Why, I wouldn't vote for you if you were Saint Peter himself." Candidate: 'if I were Saint Peter, you couldn't vote for me - you wouldn't be in my district."
11. Motorist: "Your honor, I was not drunk. I was only drinking."
Judge: "Well, in that case I an not going to send you to jail for one month - only for 30 days."
12. A fellow in a lunatic asylum sat fishing over a flower bed. A visiting doctor, wishing to be friendly asked.
"How many have you caught?"
Answered the not-so-dumb fisherman, "You are the ninth."
13. The many faces of Peace
14. Count
What comes after five? Six, po. 7? Eight, po. Who taught you how to count? My father, po. What comes next after ten? Jack, po. (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
15. Neighbors
"Good morning, madam. I'm the piano-tuner."
"But I didn't send for a piano-tuner."
"I know, It was a committee of your neighbors that called up."
16. Man - Men
Men can be divided into three classes:
- The handsome
- The intellectual
- The great majority
17. Three things to give to marriage:
- Industry
- Inspiration
- In
"Best way to quiet a hysterical girl ," said the psychologist, "is to give her a kiss."
"But how do you get them hysterical?"
19. Language
"So you have just returned from Paris. Did you have any trouble with your French?"
"No, but the French did."
20. Just to show you
A wife was frying eggs for her husband’s breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen, “Careful…
CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful… CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUK! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Don’t forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you how it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I’m driving.
Acknowledgment: Jokes, Quotes and One-Liners for Public Speakers by Prochnow H V and HV Prochnow Jr; Speaker's Encyclopedia of Humor by Jacob Braude, Prentice-Hall
Part 4 -
Laughter helps you live longer
“He who laughs, lasts.”
Researched and organized by Dr Abe V Rotor
You can’t feel anxious, angry, or sad when you are laughing.
Nothing diffuses anger and conflict than a shared laugh. Looking at the funny side can put problems into perspective and enable you to move on from confrontations without holding onto bitterness and resentment.
Albert Einstein in a very good mood. I can virtually hear his laughter.
A study in Norway found that people with a strong sense of humor outlived those who don’t laugh as much. Laughter relaxes the whole body. A good and hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscle relaxed for up to 45 minutes after. Laughter boosts the immune system. Laughter decreases stress hormone and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease,
Laughter -
· Boosts immunity· Lowers stress hormones· Decreases pain· Relaxes your muscles· Adds joy and zest to life· Eases anxiety and tension· Relieves stress· Improves mood· Strengthens resilience· Prevents heart disease
Laughter stops distressing emotions. You can’t feel anxious, angry, or sad when you are laughing. Laughter draws you closer to others, which can have a profound effect on all aspects of your mental and emotional health.
Part 2 - Use Wit and Humor to be an Effective Speaker
Start and intersperse your speech with appropriate wit and humor. First, break the ice, keep the attention of your audience to the end, motivate them and impart a lasting lesson.
Break the ice. Examples ”It’s a good thing love is blind; otherwise it would see too much.” Advice to doctors: “When treating cases of amnesia, collect the fee in advance.”
Types of Humor
Anecdote (funny short story you have personal knowledge of.) Lincoln is a master anecdote teller.
Antonymism (contrasting words or phrases) “The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.” “A woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.” – Oscar Wilde
Banter (among close friends) “Here he comes, hide his shorts you stole from him.” Of course this is not true. "Here comes the biggest carabao in the Philippines." the late Senator Aquino to then Senator Erap Estrada the sponsor of the Carabao Bill
Biogram (witticism about a famous person)
“Adam was the happiest man in the world because he had no mother-in-law.”
”Venus is a woman whose statue shows us the danger of biting our finger nails.”
Blendword (coinage of new words): “smog for smoke and fog.” “scurry for scatter and hurry.” “eat and run.”
Blunder (wit, a person who makes mistakes, makes look foolish)
“Dr Cruz returned from the US yesterday and will take up his cuties (duties) at the hospital.”
“Is it kistomary to cus the bride?” over eager newly wed to the officiating minister.
Bonehead (headline boner) “Population of RP broken down by sex and age.” “Girl disappears in bathing suit.” “Three men held in cigarette case.”
Boner (slip, short and pointed mistakes with amusing effect.) “The future of to give is to take.” The king wore a robe trimmed with vermin.”
Bull (absurd contradiction) “May you live all the days of your life.” – Jonathan Swift. “The happiest man on earth is one who has never been born.” “Miriam Santiago was the best Philippine president we never had.” Eulogy for (of) the late senator.
Burlesque (satire) Story of the Frog and a Princess. The princess related the story to her mother. … the next morning when the princess awoke, she noticed alongside her a handsome Prince. And would you believe it? To this day her mother doesn’t believe a word of this story.
Abe Lincoln, the Storyteller
Caricature (exaggeration in ludicrous distortion) “He is so tall he has to stand on a chair to brush his teeth.”
Catch Tale (funny story, with a catch at the end. “She laid still white form beside those that had gone before. No groan, no sob forced its way from her heart. Then suddenly she let forth a cry that pierced the stillness of the place, making the air vibrate with a thousand echoes. It seemed to come from her very soul. Twice the cry repeated, then all was quiet again. She would lay another egg tomorrow.”
Confucian Sayings (Ironic, yet with aphorisms; witticism ) Confucius says “Ostrich that keep head in sand too long during hot part of day burned in the end.” “Easy for girl to live on love if he rich.” “Man who make love to girl on hillside, not on level.”
Conundrum (riddle, word puzzle quite impossible to solve) “Why does a cow wear a bell? Its horns don’t work.” “What is worse than seeing a worm in an apple? Seeing only half of the worm.”
Cumulative humor (chain-story pattern) From an old English classic: “For want of a nail, the shoe was lost. For want of a shoe, the horse was lost. For want of a horse, the rider was lost. For want of a rider the battle was lost. For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.”
Double Blunder (mistake and another in an attempt to correct the first) A man in a party turns to another and asks, “Who is that awful-looking lady in the corner?’ “Why she is my wife.” Says the second man. “Oh, I don’t mean her,” the quick evasion. “I mean the lady next to her.” “That,” cries the man indignantly, “is my daughter.”
Epigram (prose witticism, satire, evils and follies of mankind)”The world should make peace first and then make it last.” “Always do your best, but not your best friend.” “We don’t get ulcers from what we eat, but what is eating us.” “When you are right, no one remembers, when you are wrong no one forgets.”
Exagerism (overstatement, features, focuses on defects, peculiarities) “She is so industrious, when she has nothing to do she sits and knits her brows.” Story of a very strong typhoon by three humbugs: First, “.. so strong the wind blows you down the street.” Second: “In our place it’s so strong, when a carabao smiles it surely loses its hide.” Third: “Both your typhoons are nothing; in my place the flashlight can keep its light straight through the wind.” “A tree once grew rapidly that it actually pulled itself up by its roots. (early 1800 jokes called Yankeeism, Jonathonism)
Extended proverb (twisted proverb) “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Becomes "an onion a day keeps everyone away.” “There’s no fool like an old fool – because he had more experience." “He who hesitates is probably torn between vice and versa.”
Fool’s Query (foolish question) Guide explaining to tourists: “And these rock formations were piled up by the glaciers,” he said. “but where are glaciers?” asked an elderly woman. “They’ve gone back Madam, to get some more rocks.” Was the reply.
Freudian slip (humorous accidental statement) After a party a couple attended, the wife said warmly with a handshake, “It was so nice for us to come.” (Freud discovered accidental slips are subsurface thought processes that remove neurotic symptom.
Gag (clever remark funny trick) “Did you get up with a grouch today?” “No, she got up before me.”
Mixed words (after Goldwynism, moviemaker) “Answer me a question.” (from Lost Horizon). Hampasible (hampass is to blow) “Shinong lashing?” Drunk
Hecklerism (heckling, noisy drunk interrupting emcee) “Hey, you are a day late!” “Why don’t you tell that to the marines!”
Irony (expressing opposite of what is really meant) When Lincoln was once told that a northerner politician had expressed a strong dislike for him, he stroked his chin in perplexity. “That’s odd,” he said. “I cant understand why he dislikes me. I never did.”
Response of a lottery winner to a friend who asked, “Are you excited?” “Me excited? I’m as calm as a man with his pants on fire.”
Malapropism (French mal-a-propos, inappropriate, out of place) “Please, ladies, feel in the family way.” (feel at home) “I approve the permanent appointment of all prostitute teachers.” (substitute teachers)
Marshallism (satiric, twist-witticism, attributed to US V Thomas Marshall) What this country needs is a man who can be right and President at the same time.” “What our country needs is more of good citizens and less of law.”
Mistaken Identity (comic confusion of one person or thing with another) portrays ignorant person or simpleton. “Hi, George, Happy birthday.” “ I’m Johnny, he is George,” pointing at the celebrant.
Nonsensism ((mock logic, fallacies without reason, epigram, wisecrack) “She has money more than she can afford.” “My father and mother are cousins – that’s why I look so much alike.”
Parody (satire, wordplay) “Don’t worry if your job is small. And your rewards are few, Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you.”
Personifier (celebrity’s most typical trait, related to caricaturism and biogram) , “Samson was so strong, he could lift himself by his hair three feet off the ground.”
Practical Joke (joke put to action). Gadget prank, rough. Discomforting. “Here’s your fruit juice. Toast.” It turn out to be liquor, and the poor fellow coughs. Laughter.
Recovery (blunder and wit combined)An employee was found asleep by his foreman. “Good heavens!” he cried upon being awakened. “Can a man close his eyes for a few minutes of prayer?”
To Dr Kinsey, the sexiologist, a lady asked at the end of his lecture in the Q & A; A period, “Tell me Dr Kinsey, what is really the vital difference between a man and a woman?” “Madam, I can not conceive.”
3. Not so long three lunatics escaped from a large asylum. Search officers combed the surrounding countryside for twenty-four hours, and they finally brought in five.
4. When the Creator gave out brains, I thought he said trains - and I missed mine! When He gave out good looks, I thought he said books - and I didn't want any! And when He said noses, I thought he said roses - and I ordered a big red one.
5. A young woman boarded a crowded bus. A tired little man got up and gave her his seat. There was a moment of silence. "I beg your pardon?" said the tired man. "I didn't say anything," replied the young woman. "I'm sorry," said the man. "I thought you said 'Thank you.'"
6. A grade-school student was having trouble with punctuation. "Never mind, sonny," said the visiting school board president, consolingly. "It's foolish to bother about commas; they don't amount too much, anyway." "Elizabeth Ann," said the teacher, "please write this sentence on the board: "The president of the board says the teacher is misinformed." "Now," she continued, "put a comma after the board and another after teacher."
7. An American engineer returned recently from a mission to the Soviet Union. The Russians, he reported, were fascinated by the Americans' use of the expression OK. " But what is this Okie-Dokie? one Russian asked him. Before he could answer, another Russian interrupted with, "Don't be a dope. It's the feminine of OK.
8. It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope. (Pope John Paul XXIII)
9. Here's a story about smart kids. "I wonder why people say Amen and not Awomen?" Bobby questioned. His little friend replied, "Because they sing hymns and not hers, silly."
10. Here's a story for the political candidate for the coming election. Voter: "Why, I wouldn't vote for you if you were Saint Peter himself." Candidate: 'if I were Saint Peter, you couldn't vote for me - you wouldn't be in my district."
11. Motorist: "Your honor, I was not drunk. I was only drinking."
Judge: "Well, in that case I an not going to send you to jail for one month - only for 30 days."
12. A fellow in a lunatic asylum sat fishing over a flower bed. A visiting doctor, wishing to be friendly asked.
"How many have you caught?"
Answered the not-so-dumb fisherman, "You are the ninth."
13. The many faces of Peace
Peace is often mispronounced and a butt of jokes: fish, feast, piss, fish be with you, phase 1- phase 2, piece of paper, may you rest in peace (good sleep). – (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
14. Count
What comes after five? Six, po. 7? Eight, po. Who taught you how to count? My father, po. What comes next after ten? Jack, po. (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
15. Neighbors
"Good morning, madam. I'm the piano-tuner."
"But I didn't send for a piano-tuner."
"I know, It was a committee of your neighbors that called up."
16. Man - Men
Men can be divided into three classes:
18. Kiss
"Best way to quiet a hysterical girl ," said the psychologist, "is to give her a kiss."
"But how do you get them hysterical?"
19. Language
"So you have just returned from Paris. Did you have any trouble with your French?"
"No, but the French did."
20. Just to show you
A wife was frying eggs for her husband’s breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen, “Careful…
CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful… CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUK! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Don’t forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you how it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I’m driving.
Acknowledgment: Jokes, Quotes and One-Liners for Public Speakers by Prochnow H V and HV Prochnow Jr; Speaker's Encyclopedia of Humor by Jacob Braude, Prentice-Hall
Reference: All about Humor
The art of Using Humor in Public Speaking
By Anthony L Audrieth ~
Part 5 - Take a break with humor
"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." - Bill Cosby
Dr Abe V Rotor
Light moments, Amadeo, Cavite, author with his students at the UST graduate school.
1. A judge in sentencing a criminal recently said, "I am giving you the maximum punishment - I am letting you go free to worry about taxes, inflation, and everything else, just like the rest of us."
2. In prehistoric times, cavemen had a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. When modern men go through the same ritual, they call it golf.
3. Not so long three lunatics escaped from a large asylum. Search officers combed the surrounding countryside for twenty-four hours, and they finally brought in five.
4. When the Creator gave out brains, I thought he said trains - and I missed mine! When He gave out good looks, I thought he said books - and I didn't want any! And when He said noses, I thought he said roses - and I ordered a big red one.
5. A young woman boarded a crowded bus. A tired little man got up and gave her his seat. There was a moment of silence. "I beg your pardon?" said the tired man. "I didn't say anything," replied the young woman. "I'm sorry," said the man. "I thought you said 'Thank you.'"
6. A grade-school student was having trouble with punctuation. "Never mind, sonny," said the visiting school board president, consolingly. "It's foolish to bother about commas; they don't amount too much, anyway." "Elizabeth Ann," said the teacher, "please write this sentence on the board: "The president of the board says the teacher is misinformed." "Now," she continued, "put a comma after the board and another after teacher."
7. An American engineer returned recently from a mission to the Soviet Union. The Russians, he reported, were fascinated by the Americans' use of the expression OK. " But what is this Okie-Dokie? one Russian asked him. Before he could answer, another Russian interrupted with, "Don't be a dope. It's the feminine of OK.
8. It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope. (Pope John Paul XXIII)
9. Here's a story about smart kids. "I wonder why people say Amen and not Awomen?" Bobby questioned. His little friend replied, "Because they sing hymns and not hers, silly."
10. Here's a story for the political candidate for the coming election. Voter: "Why, I wouldn't vote for you if you were Saint Peter himself." Candidate: 'if I were Saint Peter, you couldn't vote for me - you wouldn't be in my district."
11. Motorist: "Your honor, I was not drunk. I was only drinking."
Judge: "Well, in that case I an not going to send you to jail for one month - only for 30 days."
12. A fellow in a lunatic asylum sat fishing over a flower bed. A visiting doctor, wishing to be friendly asked.
"How many have you caught?"
Answered the not-so-dumb fisherman, "You are the ninth."
13. The many faces of Peace
Peace is often mispronounced and a butt of jokes: fish, feast, piss, fish be with you, phase 1- phase 2, piece of paper, may you rest in peace (good sleep). – (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
14. Count
What comes after five? Six, po. 7? Eight, po. Who taught you how to count? My father, po. What comes next after ten? Jack, po. (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
15. Neighbors
"Good morning, madam. I'm the piano-tuner."
"But I didn't send for a piano-tuner."
"I know, It was a committee of your neighbors that called up."
16. Man - Men
Men can be divided into three classes:
- The handsome
- The intellectual
- The great majority
17. Three things to give to marriage:
- Industry
- Inspiration
- In
"Best way to quiet a hysterical girl ," said the psychologist, "is to give her a kiss."
"But how do you get them hysterical?"
19. Language
"So you have just returned from Paris. Did you have any trouble with your French?"
"No, but the French did."
20. Just to show you
A wife was frying eggs for her husband’s breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen, “Careful…
CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful… CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUK! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Don’t forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you how it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I’m driving.
Acknowledgment: Jokes, Quotes and One-Liners for Public Speakers by Prochnow H V and HV Prochnow Jr; Speaker's Encyclopedia of Humor by Jacob Braude, Prentice-Hall
Part 6 - Let the sun shine in with wit and humor.
"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing." - Mark Twain
Dr Abe V Rotor
The many faces of PeacePeace is often mispronounced and a butt of jokes: fish, feast, piss, fish be with you, phase 1- phase 2, piece of paper, may you rest in peace (good sleep). – (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)6. Count
What comes after five? Six, po. 7? Eight, po. Who taught you how to count? My father, po. What comes next after ten? Jack, po. (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
Man - Men
Men can be divided into three classes:
- The handsome
- The intellectual
- The great majority
Three things to give to marriage:
- Industry
- Inspiration
- In
Kiss
"Best way to quiet a hysterical girl ," said the psychologist, "
is to give her a kiss."
"But how do you get them hysterical?"
"So you have just returned from Paris. Did you have any trouble with your French?"
"No, but the French did." ~
"A day without laughter is a day wasted." - Charlie Chaplin
Part 7 - "Get out of your box!" through Wit and Humor
Researched and organized by Dr Abe V Rotor
" What are the chances of my recovering, doctor?
"One hundred per cent. Medical records show that nine out of ten die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died. So you see, you're bound to get well. Statistics are statistics." One hundred men went into the woods to cut logs. They took along two women to cook for them. Before the winter ended, two of the men married the women. This was normal. However, a statistician startled outsiders by reporting that 2 per cent of the men married 100 per cent of the women!
The lion ate a bull. He felt so good that he roared and roared. A hunter heard him, found him and killed him. There is a moral to this, and it is that when you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
In a federal court, an elderly American Indian was charged with bootlegging.
"You name?" asked the judge.
"Have you a lawyer."
All took their correct positions except the little lad who carried the letter "O." He had forgotten where to stand. He passed a few moments at the rear of the stage, much to the amusement of the audience. But he really brought down the house when he finally decided he belonged at the head of the group!
She was an economical, industrious and ambitious young wife and often tried to persuade her husband to give up smoking. One day she pointed out to him, in exact figures, how much he spent on tobacco in the course of a year.
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?"
"You name?" asked the judge.
"Have you a lawyer."
Again, silence.
"Do you understand English?"
The Indian kept staring blankly ahead. The judge shrugged and turned to the district attorney.
"This is a trivial case, anyhow," he said. "He doesn't seem to understand a word of English. Probably he doesn't realize he has done wrong. Dismiss the case."
Told he could go, the Indian nevertheless sat motionless while the next case was called. This time it was a white man who was charged with the same offense. The defense lawyer, noted for his oratory, delivered an impassioned plea for mercy. Unmoved, the judge gave the defendant five years in the penitentiary.
As the crestfallen lawyer was leaving the courtroom, the elderly Indianfell in behind him. Suddenly the Indian leaned over and whispered in the lawyer's ear:
"White man talk too much."
"Do you understand English?"
The Indian kept staring blankly ahead. The judge shrugged and turned to the district attorney.
"This is a trivial case, anyhow," he said. "He doesn't seem to understand a word of English. Probably he doesn't realize he has done wrong. Dismiss the case."
Told he could go, the Indian nevertheless sat motionless while the next case was called. This time it was a white man who was charged with the same offense. The defense lawyer, noted for his oratory, delivered an impassioned plea for mercy. Unmoved, the judge gave the defendant five years in the penitentiary.
As the crestfallen lawyer was leaving the courtroom, the elderly Indianfell in behind him. Suddenly the Indian leaned over and whispered in the lawyer's ear:
"White man talk too much."
People are laughing yet over an incident which occurred at a PTA meeting. Five little graders marched out onto the stage to welcome everyone, each child carrying a large cardboard letter to spell out the word "H-E-L-L-O."
"And you will be better off," she said, "mentally and physically, as well as financially, without your pipe."
"But all great men have smoked," he urged.
"Well," she said, "just promise me that you'll give up smoking till you're great. I'll be quite satisfied."
A Scotsman dying in an American hospital expressed a strong wish to hear the bagpipes once again before he passed away. Far and near they sought for a piper, and having found one at last they made him perform daily on the grass outside the patient's room. To the astonishment of everybody, the patient recovered. The only drawback was that the other patients all died.
TEACHER: "What tense is, I am beautiful?"
JUNIOR: "Past."
MINISTER: "Do you say prayers before eating?"
LITTLE BOY: "Don't have to. Mom's a good cook."
JUNIOR: "Seven, ma'am."
TEACHER: "How old will you be on your next birthday?"
JUNIOR: "Nine, ma'am."
TEACHER: "Nonsense. If you were seven on your last birthday, how can you be nine on your next birthday?"
JUNIOR: "I'm eight today." ~
TOAST: To the old, long life and treasure;
To the young, all health and pleasure.
- Ben Jonson
Reference: Speaker's Encyclopedia of Humor
Stories, Quotes, Definitions and Toasts for Every Situation by Jacob M Braude, Pentice-Hall NJ 1961
Part 8 - Put Some Wit in Humor
Researched by Dr Abe V Rotor
3. A grade-school student was having trouble with punctuation. "Never mind, sonny," said the visiting school board president, consolingly. "It's foolish to bother about commas; they don't amount too much, anyway." "Elizabeth Ann," said the teacher, "please write this sentence on the board: "The president of the board says the teacher is misinformed." "Now," she continued, "put a comma after the board and another after teacher."
4. Here's a story about smart kids. "I wonder why people say Amen and not Awomen?" Bobby questioned. His little friend replied, "Because they sing hymns and not hers, silly."
5. It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope. (Pope John Paul XXIII)
5. It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope. (Pope John Paul XXIII)
6. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
7. Here's a story for the political candidate for the coming election. Voter: "Why, I wouldn't vote for you if you were Saint Peter himself." Candidate: 'if I were Saint Peter, you couldn't vote for me - you wouldn't be in my district."
8. Motorist: "Your honor, I was not drunk. I was only drinking."
Judge: "Well, in that case I an not going to send you to jail for one month - only for 30 days."
9. A fellow in a lunatic asylum sat fishing over a flower bed. A visiting doctor, wishing to be friendly asked.
"How many have you caught?"
Answered the not-so-dumb fisherman, "You are the ninth."
10. The many faces of Peace
Peace is often mispronounced and a butt of jokes: fish, feast, piss, fish be with you, phase 1- phase 2, piece of paper, may you rest in peace (good sleep). – (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
11. Count
What comes after five? Six, po. 7? Eight, po. Who taught you how to count? My father, po. What comes next after ten? Jack, po. (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
12. Neighbors
"Good morning, madam. I'm the piano-tuner."
"But I didn't send for a piano-tuner."
"I know, It was a committee of your neighbors that called up."
13. Man - Men
Men can be divided into three classes:
15. Language
"So you have just returned from Paris. Did you have any trouble with your French?"
"No, but the French did." ~
8. Motorist: "Your honor, I was not drunk. I was only drinking."
Judge: "Well, in that case I an not going to send you to jail for one month - only for 30 days."
9. A fellow in a lunatic asylum sat fishing over a flower bed. A visiting doctor, wishing to be friendly asked.
"How many have you caught?"
Answered the not-so-dumb fisherman, "You are the ninth."
10. The many faces of Peace
Peace is often mispronounced and a butt of jokes: fish, feast, piss, fish be with you, phase 1- phase 2, piece of paper, may you rest in peace (good sleep). – (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
11. Count
What comes after five? Six, po. 7? Eight, po. Who taught you how to count? My father, po. What comes next after ten? Jack, po. (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
12. Neighbors
"Good morning, madam. I'm the piano-tuner."
"But I didn't send for a piano-tuner."
"I know, It was a committee of your neighbors that called up."
13. Man - Men
Men can be divided into three classes:
- The handsome
- The intellectual
- The great majority
14. Three things to give to marriage:
- Industry
- Inspiration
- In
"So you have just returned from Paris. Did you have any trouble with your French?"
"No, but the French did." ~
Part 9 - Learn and practice the art of telling jokes
Dr Abe V Rotor
Making a tree laugh
Five Filipinos were discussing what they would do if they awoke one morning to discover that they were millionaires.
- The Cebuano said he would build a big cockpit arena.
- The Manileño said he would go to Las Vegas and have a good time.
- The Palaweño said he would build an island resort.
- The Ilocano said he would deposit the money in the bank and live on its interest.
- The Boholano said he would go to sleep again to see if he could make another million.
Why does a captain go down with his ship?
A soldier who lost his rifle was lectured by his captain and told he would have to pay for it.
"Sir," gulped the soldier, "Suppose I lose a tank, will I have to pay it, too."
" Yes, you will, even if it takes your whole life in the army."
"Now I know why a captain goes down with his ship."
Honesty really pays
Two friends were riding a bus and had just reached their destination. At the station one of them realized she hadn't paid her fare. Confessing to her friend she asked, "Did you pay for me?" To which her friend wryly answered, "No."
"Well, I'll go right up and pay."
"Why bother? That's just a small matter, and you were able to get away with it."
"I believe that honesty always pays." And virtuously she went to see and pay the conductor.
She returned holding a fifty-peso bill. "See, I told you honesty always pays!" "I handed a twenty-peso bill and he gave me this change." ~
Time and space
"The distance between Manila and New York is the same as from New York to Manila." Explained one of three friends.
"Well, not when you come back on the other side of the globe."
"What do you think, Jon-Jon?"
"I dunno; its just a week from Christmas to New Year, but is it a week from New Year to Christmas?"
Just the same
"If you have your life to live over," the prominent octogenarian was asked, "do you think you'd make the same mistakes again?"
"Certainly," said the old man, "But I'd start sooner."
Memory lapse
"Have you forgotten that 500 pesos I lent you a month ago?"
"Not yet, give me time." ~
Disparity
In his Sunday mass homily, the priest told the faithful, "As I look around, I ask myself, 'Where are the poor?' "
"But when I look at the collection, I say to myself, 'Where are the rich?' "
A five-letter word is the real problem
A five-letter word,
not enemy, not study,
not bored, not birth,
neither dying nor death;
wanting around the world
in springtime or autumn,
in dark days or sunny -
this five-letter word;
craved by everybody
none other but money.~
Author with his students at UST; children in frolic.
Activity: Write down jokes you can recall. They should be witty, clean and meaningful. Avoid vulgar jokes. Compile them into a collection or book.
Part 10 - Cheer Up, It's Christmas!
Original Title: Christmas Stories, Events, Jokes & Quotes
Selected and compiled by Dr Abe V Rotor
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x x x x
CONDUCTOR: "You know darn well the distance between Chicago and Cleveland is the same as from Cleveland to Chicago. Any damn foo knows that."PASSENGER: "I dunno; it is just a week from Christmas to New Year, but is it a week from New Year to Christmas?"
x x x x
A youngster walked into a bank the other day to open an account with $1000. The bank's vice president gave him a benign smile and asked how he had accumulated so much money.
"Selling Christmas card," said the lad.
"Well, you've done very well. Sold them to lots of people, obviously."
"Nope," answered the little boy proudly. "I sold all of them to one large family - their dog bit me."
x x x x
A mother took her five year old son to a mall to say, "Hello" to Santa Claus, who in turn, asked. "What would you like for Christmas, sonny?"
"A bicycle, a football, and a pair of skates." the youngster replied promptly.
"I'll certainly try to see that you get them," said Santa.
Later, the mother and son visited another mall and stopped to see Santa there. Again the same question and the same answer, but Santa asked, "And are you going to be a good boy?"
x x x x
A little girl about five received a box of crayons for Christmas and made a great many pictures.
"What is this one?" her mother asked.
"That's Baby Jesus on the manger."
A little to one side were three vertical lines - the wise men perhaps, or the shepherds. The mother inquired what they were.
"Mary and Joseph are going out for the night." the child explained, "and that's the sitters coming in."
x x x x
Here it is the middle of January and we're still cleaning up from Christmas. Last week we cleaned out our checking account; this week we cleaned out our savings account.
x x x x
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? Mistletoe.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
x x x x
If you want to be reminded of Christmas all year, buy your Christmas gifts on monthly payment plan.
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x x x x May the forgiving spirit of Him to whom we dedicate this season prevail again on earth.
May hateful persecution and wanton aggression cease.
May man live in freedom and security, worshiping as he sees fit, loving his fellow man.
May peace, everlasting peace, reign supreme.
"Chandeliers of Capiz above my head,I'm under the sea it seems;among mermaids and corals for bed,bathe in the glow of moonbeams."
- A.V. Rotor ~
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