International Joke Day July 1, 2024
Take life lightly, live long with joke and humor
Researched and Organized by Dr Abe V Rotor
Doctor about to discharge a psyche patient: "If I cut both your ears
what will happen to you?"
Without much thinking the patent answered, "Then doctor,
I won't be able to see."
The perplexed doctor asked, "How's that?"
Patient: "How can I wear my eyeglasses?"
x x x
Teacher to smart pupil: "What is the formula of water?"
Pupil: "H I J K L M N O, Ma'am."
x x x
Doctor to patient looking depressed: "Are you depressed?"
Patient: "No, I am the priest." (Priest newly assigned in the area.)
x x x
An old, old man, served as tourist guide in an old, old castle. At the end of the tour a kindly old lady expressed her gratitude, adding to her complement,
"You seem to know everything about this place, Sir. How long have you been here?"
With dreamy eyes, the old man replied in a low voice, "I've been here for 500 years, Madam."
x x x
In an inter-regional oratorical contest, a scholar from the Visayas was likely to win, even before finishing the last line of "Oh Captain, my Captain." The audience was all set to give a thunderous applause...
With passion the orator concluded, "Here lies my captain (paused) fallen, cold, and deed." (instead of dead). The hall instead turned eerily silent.
x x x
After three days of spiritual retreat, the all-men retreatants assembled for their final pledge. "Repeat after me," said their retreat master.
"No more drinking." Dutifully they shouted, No more drinking!
"No more gambling." No more gambling!
"No more women." No more gambling!
x x x
You can’t feel anxious, angry, or sad when you are laughing. Nothing diffuses anger and conflict than a shared laugh. Looking at the funny side can put problems into perspective and enable you to move on from confrontations without holding onto bitterness and resentment.
Albert Einstein in a very good mood. I can virtually hear his laughter.
A study in Norway found that people with a strong sense of humor outlived those who don’t laugh as much. Laughter relaxes the whole body. A good and hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscle relaxed for up to 45 minutes after. Laughter boosts the immune system. Laughter decreases stress hormone and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease,
Laughter -
· Boosts immunity· Lowers stress hormones· Decreases pain· Relaxes your muscles· Adds joy and zest to life· Eases anxiety and tension· Relieves stress· Improves mood· Strengthens resilience· Prevents heart disease
Laughter stops distressing emotions. You can’t feel anxious, angry, or sad when you are laughing. Laughter draws you closer to others, which can have a profound effect on all aspects of your mental and emotional health.
Part 2 - Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers.
Light moments, Amadeo, Cavite, author with his students at the UST graduate school.
1. A judge in sentencing a criminal recently said, "I am giving you the maximum punishment - I am letting you go free to worry about taxes, inflation, and everything else, just like the rest of us."
2. In prehistoric times, cavemen had a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. When modern men go through the same ritual, they call it golf.
3. Not so long three lunatics escaped from a large asylum. Search officers combed the surrounding countryside for twenty-four hours, and they finally brought in five.
4. When the Creator gave out brains, I thought he said trains - and I missed mine! When He gave out good looks, I thought he said books - and I didn't want any! And when He said noses, I thought he said roses - and I ordered a big red one.
5. A young woman boarded a crowded bus. A tired little man got up and gave her his seat. There was a moment of silence. "I beg your pardon?" said the tired man. "I didn't say anything," replied the young woman. "I'm sorry," said the man. "I thought you said 'Thank you.'"
6. A grade-school student was having trouble with punctuation. "Never mind, sonny," said the visiting school board president, consolingly. "It's foolish to bother about commas; they don't amount too much, anyway." "Elizabeth Ann," said the teacher, "please write this sentence on the board: "The president of the board says the teacher is misinformed." "Now," she continued, "put a comma after the board and another after teacher."
7. An American engineer returned recently from a mission to the Soviet Union. The Russians, he reported, were fascinated by the Americans' use of the expression OK. " But what is this Okie-Dokie? one Russian asked him. Before he could answer, another Russian interrupted with, "Don't be a dope. It's the feminine of OK.
8. It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope. (Pope John Paul XXIII)
9. Here's a story about smart kids. "I wonder why people say Amen and not Awomen?" Bobby questioned. His little friend replied, "Because they sing hymns and not hers, silly."
10. Here's a story for the political candidate for the coming election. Voter: "Why, I wouldn't vote for you if you were Saint Peter himself." Candidate: 'if I were Saint Peter, you couldn't vote for me - you wouldn't be in my district."
11. Motorist: "Your honor, I was not drunk. I was only drinking."
Judge: "Well, in that case I an not going to send you to jail for one month - only for 30 days."
12. A fellow in a lunatic asylum sat fishing over a flower bed. A visiting doctor, wishing to be friendly asked.
"How many have you caught?"
Answered the not-so-dumb fisherman, "You are the ninth."
13. The many faces of Peace
Peace is often mispronounced and a butt of jokes: fish, feast, piss, fish be with you, phase 1- phase 2, piece of paper, may you rest in peace (good sleep). – (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
14. Count
What comes after five? Six, po. 7? Eight, po. Who taught you how to count? My father, po. What comes next after ten? Jack, po. (Fr. Jerry Orbos, June 11, 2006)
15. Neighbors
"Good morning, madam. I'm the piano-tuner."
"But I didn't send for a piano-tuner."
"I know, It was a committee of your neighbors that called up."
16. Man - Men
Men can be divided into three classes:
- The handsome
- The intellectual
- The great majority
17. Three things to give to marriage:
- Industry
- Inspiration
- In
"Best way to quiet a hysterical girl ," said the psychologist, "is to give her a kiss."
"But how do you get them hysterical?"
19. Language
"So you have just returned from Paris. Did you have any trouble with your French?"
"No, but the French did."
20. Just to show you
A wife was frying eggs for her husband’s breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen, “Careful…
CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful… CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUK! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Don’t forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you how it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I’m driving.
Acknowledgment: Jokes, Quotes and One-Liners for Public Speakers by Prochnow H V and HV Prochnow Jr; Speaker's Encyclopedia of Humor by Jacob Braude, Prentice-Hall
Part 3 - Use Wit and Humor to be an Effective Speaker
Start and intersperse your speech with appropriate wit and humor. First, break the ice, keep the attention of your audience to the end, motivate them and impart a lasting lesson.
Break the ice. Examples ”It’s a good thing love is blind; otherwise it would see too much.” Advice to doctors: “When treating cases of amnesia, collect the fee in advance.”
Types of Humor
Anecdote (funny short story you have personal knowledge of.) Lincoln is a master anecdote teller.
1. Antonymism (contrasting words or phrases) “The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.” “A woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.” – Oscar Wilde
2. Banter (among close friends) “Here he comes, hide his shorts you stole from him.” Of course this is not true. "Here comes the biggest carabao in the Philippines." the late Senator Aquino to then Senator Erap Estrada the sponsor of the Carabao Bill
3. Biogram (witticism about a famous person)
“Adam was the happiest man in the world because he had no mother-in-law.”
”Venus is a woman whose statue shows us the danger of biting our finger nails.”
4. Blendword (coinage of new words): “smog for smoke and fog.” “scurry for scatter and hurry.” “eat and run.”
5. Blunder (wit, a person who makes mistakes, makes look foolish)
“Dr Cruz returned from the US yesterday and will take up his cuties (duties) at the hospital.”
“Is it kistomary to cus the bride?” over eager newly wed to the officiating minister.
6. Bonehead (headline boner) “Population of RP broken down by sex and age.” “Girl disappears in bathing suit.” “Three men held in cigarette case.”
7. Boner (slip, short and pointed mistakes with amusing effect.) “The future of to give is to take.” The king wore a robe trimmed with vermin.”
8. Bull (absurd contradiction) “May you live all the days of your life.” – Jonathan Swift. “The happiest man on earth is one who has never been born.” “Miriam Santiago was the best Philippine president we never had.” Eulogy for (of) the late senator.
9. Burlesque (satire) Story of the Frog and a Princess. The princess related the story to her mother. … the next morning when the princess awoke, she noticed alongside her a handsome Prince. And would you believe it? To this day her mother doesn’t believe a word of this story.
Abe Lincoln, the Storyteller
10. Caricature (exaggeration in ludicrous distortion) “He is so tall he has to stand on a chair to brush his teeth.”
11. Catch Tale (funny story, with a catch at the end. “She laid still white form beside those that had gone before. No groan, no sob forced its way from her heart. Then suddenly she let forth a cry that pierced the stillness of the place, making the air vibrate with a thousand echoes. It seemed to come from her very soul. Twice the cry repeated, then all was quiet again. She would lay another egg tomorrow.”
12. Confucian Sayings (Ironic, yet with aphorisms; witticism ) Confucius says “Ostrich that keep head in sand too long during hot part of day burned in the end.” “Easy for girl to live on love if he rich.” “Man who make love to girl on hillside, not on level.”
13. Conundrum (riddle, word puzzle quite impossible to solve) “Why does a cow wear a bell? Its horns don’t work.” “What is worse than seeing a worm in an apple? Seeing only half of the worm.”
14. Cumulative humor (chain-story pattern) From an old English classic: “For want of a nail, the shoe was lost. For want of a shoe, the horse was lost. For want of a horse, the rider was lost. For want of a rider the battle was lost. For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.”
15. Double Blunder (mistake and another in an attempt to correct the first) A man in a party turns to another and asks, “Who is that awful-looking lady in the corner?’ “Why she is my wife.” Says the second man. “Oh, I don’t mean her,” the quick evasion. “I mean the lady next to her.” “That,” cries the man indignantly, “is my daughter.”
16. Epigram (prose witticism, satire, evils and follies of mankind)”The world should make peace first and then make it last.” “Always do your best, but not your best friend.” “We don’t get ulcers from what we eat, but what is eating us.” “When you are right, no one remembers, when you are wrong no one forgets.”
17. Exagerism (overstatement, features, focuses on defects, peculiarities) “She is so industrious, when she has nothing to do she sits and knits her brows.” Story of a very strong typhoon by three humbugs: First, “.. so strong the wind blows you down the street.” Second: “In our place it’s so strong, when a carabao smiles it surely loses its hide.” Third: “Both your typhoons are nothing; in my place the flashlight can't keep its light straight through the wind.” “A tree once grew rapidly that it actually pulled itself up by its roots. (early 1800 jokes called Yankeeism, Jonathonism)
18. Extended proverb (twisted proverb) “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Becomes "an onion a day keeps everyone away.” “There’s no fool like an old fool – because he had more experience." “He who hesitates is probably torn between vice and versa.”
19. Fool’s Query (foolish question) Guide explaining to tourists: “And these rock formations were piled up by the glaciers,” he said. “but where are glaciers?” asked an elderly woman. “They’ve gone back Madam, to get some more rocks.” Was the reply.
20. Freudian slip (humorous accidental statement) After a party a couple attended, the wife said warmly with a handshake, “It was so nice for us to come.” (Freud discovered accidental slips are subsurface thought processes that remove neurotic symptom.
21. Gag (clever remark funny trick) “Did you get up with a grouch today?” “No, she got up before me.”
22. Mixed words (after Goldwynism, moviemaker) “Answer me a question.” (from Lost Horizon). Hampasible (hampass is to blow) “Shinong lashing?” Drunk
23. Hecklerism (heckling, noisy drunk interrupting emcee) “Hey, you are a day late!” “Why don’t you tell that to the marines!”
24. Irony (expressing opposite of what is really meant) When Lincoln was once told that a northerner politician had expressed a strong dislike for him, he stroked his chin in perplexity. “That’s odd,” he said. “I cant understand why he dislikes me. I never did.”
Response of a lottery winner to a friend who asked, “Are you excited?” “Me excited? I’m as calm as a man with his pants on fire.”
25. Malapropism (French mal-a-propos, inappropriate, out of place) “Please, ladies, feel in the family way.” (feel at home) “I approve the permanent appointment of all prostitute teachers.” (substitute teachers)
26. Marshallism (satiric, twist-witticism, attributed to US V Thomas Marshall) What this country needs is a man who can be right and President at the same time.” “What our country needs is more of good citizens and less of law.”
27. Mistaken Identity (comic confusion of one person or thing with another) portrays ignorant person or simpleton. “Hi, George, Happy birthday.” “ I’m Johnny, he is George,” pointing at the celebrant.
28. Nonsensism ((mock logic, fallacies without reason, epigram, wisecrack) “She has money more than she can afford.” “My father and mother are cousins – that’s why I look so much alike.”
29. Parody (satire, wordplay) “Don’t worry if your job is small. And your rewards are few, Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you.”
30. Personifier (celebrity’s most typical trait, related to caricaturism and biogram) , “Samson was so strong, he could lift himself by his hair three feet off the ground.”
31. Practical Joke (joke put to action). Gadget prank, rough. Discomforting. “Here’s your fruit juice. Toast.” It turn out to be liquor, and the poor fellow coughs. Laughter.
32. Recovery (blunder and wit combined) An employee was found asleep by his foreman. “Good heavens!” he cried upon being awakened. “Can a man close his eyes for a few minutes of prayer?”
To Dr Kinsey, the sexiologist, a lady asked at the end of his lecture in the Q & A period, “Tell me Dr Kinsey, what is really the vital difference between a man and a woman?” “Madam, I can not conceive.”
Reference: All about Humor
The art of Using Humor in Public Speaking
By Anthony L Audrieth ~
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